Three gents were drinking apple martinis in a bar
and had gotten to the stage of arguing about details.
"I tell you it's spelled W-O-O-M," the first said loudly.
"No no, no," the second protested. "It's W-O-O-0-M.'
"You're both wrong," the third ventured. "I say it's W-O-O-M-B."
A gynecologst passing spoke up. "You're getting close," she told them. "Actually, it's W-O-M-B."
They stared at her a moment, then stared at each other. Finally one spoke: "Madam," he said, "it's obvious that you've never heard an elephant fart."
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Devil Went Down to Jamaica
The Muppets Band: Devil Went Down to Jamaica
Video from: The Muppets Band: Devil Went Down to Georgia.
Music from: David Allan Coe, "Devil Went Down To Jamaica".
"Devil Went Down to Jamaica" Lyrics:
The devil went to Jamaica, he was lookin' to sell some weed,
He was doin' fine, they were standin' in line, it was excellent weed indeed. When he came across this young man who was likewise peddlin' pot, and the devil slid down the beach to the kid and said "Boy let me tell you what"
"I guess you kinda' figured I'm a reefer head of course,
And after all this time I guess that I'm a connoisseur of sorts.
Now your stuff smells ok, but this could tranqulize a horse.
I bet a million in cash against your stash, cause I think mines better than yours."
The boy said "My name's Johnny, and you ain't smoked nothing yet. One hit of this grass'll kick your ass, you got yourself a bet."
Chorus:
Johnny roll a ball of hash, and make sure it's the bomb,
Cause the devil's got the kind of stuff they smoked in Veitnam,
You'll get a million smackeroos in cash if you can cope,
But if you can't, the devil gets your dope...
The devil packed a bong with a little Aculpulco Gold,
And resin flew from his fingertips as he fired up his bowl.
He filled that chamber all the way, and he took a mighty hit.
As they passed it back and forth, it gave em both a coughing fit.
(Coughing) ...Damn....
When the bowl was finished, Johnny said "Hey man that stuff was great, But fill your lungs with some of this, and prepare to vegitate.
Chorus 2:
Cannabis, Sativa, Sweet Mary Jane,
The devil's in the back yard fryin' his brain.
Zig-Zag filled with the diggety dank,
Hold on tight it'll hit you like a tank.
The devil nodded off because he knew that he was stoned,
And he asked if he could buy an ounce of the stuff that Johnny owned. Johnny said "Devil just come on back if you ever want catch a buzz. I done told you once you son of a bitch, Mine's the best there ever was."
And they...
Fired up doobies one by one...
ain'ta gonna stop till the bag is done...
Green as a bullfrog, sticky as glue...
Granny do you get high, 'Yes i do..'
Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" performed by The Muppet Band.
Video from: The Muppets Band: Devil Went Down to Georgia.
Music from: David Allan Coe, "Devil Went Down To Jamaica".
"Devil Went Down to Jamaica" Lyrics:
The devil went to Jamaica, he was lookin' to sell some weed,
He was doin' fine, they were standin' in line, it was excellent weed indeed. When he came across this young man who was likewise peddlin' pot, and the devil slid down the beach to the kid and said "Boy let me tell you what"
"I guess you kinda' figured I'm a reefer head of course,
And after all this time I guess that I'm a connoisseur of sorts.
Now your stuff smells ok, but this could tranqulize a horse.
I bet a million in cash against your stash, cause I think mines better than yours."
The boy said "My name's Johnny, and you ain't smoked nothing yet. One hit of this grass'll kick your ass, you got yourself a bet."
Chorus:
Johnny roll a ball of hash, and make sure it's the bomb,
Cause the devil's got the kind of stuff they smoked in Veitnam,
You'll get a million smackeroos in cash if you can cope,
But if you can't, the devil gets your dope...
The devil packed a bong with a little Aculpulco Gold,
And resin flew from his fingertips as he fired up his bowl.
He filled that chamber all the way, and he took a mighty hit.
As they passed it back and forth, it gave em both a coughing fit.
(Coughing) ...Damn....
When the bowl was finished, Johnny said "Hey man that stuff was great, But fill your lungs with some of this, and prepare to vegitate.
Chorus 2:
Cannabis, Sativa, Sweet Mary Jane,
The devil's in the back yard fryin' his brain.
Zig-Zag filled with the diggety dank,
Hold on tight it'll hit you like a tank.
The devil nodded off because he knew that he was stoned,
And he asked if he could buy an ounce of the stuff that Johnny owned. Johnny said "Devil just come on back if you ever want catch a buzz. I done told you once you son of a bitch, Mine's the best there ever was."
And they...
Fired up doobies one by one...
ain'ta gonna stop till the bag is done...
Green as a bullfrog, sticky as glue...
Granny do you get high, 'Yes i do..'
Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" performed by The Muppet Band.
Firewood Green
”Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they burst open every piece of wood, but even with dope sniffin’ dogs find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil’s house.
“Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, buddy”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they burst open every piece of wood, but even with dope sniffin’ dogs find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil’s house.
“Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, buddy”
Cheese Puff Elvis on Velvet
Elvis Presley painted with Cheese puffs on Black Velvet.
You can visit the Eclectic Asylum Art YouTube channel to see more art in unusual mediums.
You can visit the Eclectic Asylum Art YouTube channel to see more art in unusual mediums.
Steven Wright Jokes
What a nice night for an evening.I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
The universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
stevenwright.com
Van Gogh Show
A slide show of paintings by Vincent van Gogh set to "Starry, Starry Night" by Don McClean.
Magic Gopher
Can the magic gopher read your mind? Or, does this have something to do with the number nine?
Age vs. Wisdom
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Kids Say the Darndest Things
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!
”When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. “Is that your grandmother?” I asked.
“Yes, ‘Chris said. “She’s come to visit us for Christmas.”“How nice,” I said. “Where does she live?”
“At the airport,” Chris replied. “Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her.”
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
“What are you doing?” his Mom asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”
This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three ofthose little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?
”Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!’”
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”
“How did you know that?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.
”While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!
”A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit,”
"And why not, darling?”
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather. And to the sonnn......and into the hole he gooooes.”
”When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. “Is that your grandmother?” I asked.
“Yes, ‘Chris said. “She’s come to visit us for Christmas.”“How nice,” I said. “Where does she live?”
“At the airport,” Chris replied. “Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her.”
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
“What are you doing?” his Mom asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”
This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three ofthose little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?
”Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!’”
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”
“How did you know that?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.
”While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!
”A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit,”
"And why not, darling?”
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather. And to the sonnn......and into the hole he gooooes.”
Kids Prayers to God
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
4. Dear God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don’t, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don’t do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What’s up? Don’t forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn’t sound right. What do you say? Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can’t you do that with the moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
23. Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
4. Dear God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don’t, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don’t do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What’s up? Don’t forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn’t sound right. What do you say? Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can’t you do that with the moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
23. Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas
Carlin's Life Reflections
by: George Carlin
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
georgecarlin.com
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
georgecarlin.com
Peace of Mind Exercise
Find Some Peace of Mind With This Small Exercise:
Make an appointment with yourself.
Find some solitude in the day.
Turn off all the things that draw your attention away.
Notice the subtlety of the silence.
Slow down your breath to capture the moment.
Think about your place in the world.
Make an appointment with yourself.
Find some solitude in the day.
Turn off all the things that draw your attention away.
Notice the subtlety of the silence.
Slow down your breath to capture the moment.
Think about your place in the world.
The Universe Within
View the Milky Way at 10 million light years from the Earth. Then move through space towards the Earth in successive orders of magnitude until you reach a tall oak tree just outside the buildings of the National High Magnetic Field Laboratory in Tallahassee, Florida. After that, begin to move from the actual size of a leaf into a microscopic world that reveals leaf cell walls, the cell nucleus, chromatin, DNA and finally, into the subatomic universe of electrons and protons.
Secret Worlds: The Universe Within
Secret Worlds: The Universe Within
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Hubble Images
A collection of beautiful images taken from the Hubble telescope.
For more space photography you can visit the image gallery at nasa.gov or nasaimages.org
For more space photography you can visit the image gallery at nasa.gov or nasaimages.org
Carlin on Values
Comic philosopher Carlin, who recently lost his wife, felt especially poignant when he wrote this gem about his longstanding serio-comic complaints with society and where true value lies.
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
Vignette on a Virtue
Humility is the acceptance of the possibility that someone else can teach you something else you do not know about yourself. Conversely, pride and arrogance close the door of the mind. - Arthur Deikman
Buttressed in Pew
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, “My butt is going to sleep.”“I know,” replied her companion, “I heard it snore three times.”
Memories A'miss
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it’s made a big difference for me.” “That’s great! What was the name of that clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”
Screen Clean
I know you don't clean the inside of your computer screen very often, as it is very difficult to do, so here is my present to you.
Hilaritas
“When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky” - Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)
"One of the functions of humor is to help all of us take ourselves less seriously. Humor is the divine antidote for exaltation of ego." - The Urantia Papers
Originally, to have good humor did not mean to joke often or often laugh at other's jokes, but basically meant to be in a state of cheerfulness.
Hilarity: 1440, from L. hilaritas (gen. hilaritatis) "cheerfulness, gaiety," from hilaris "cheerful, gay," from Gk. hilaros, related to hilaos "graceful, kindly." In ancient Rome, Hilaria (neut. pl. of hilaris) were a class of holidays, times of pomp and rejoicing; there were public ones in honor of Cybele at the spring equinoxes as well as private ones on the day of a marriage or a son's birth. - etymonline.com
Humor: 1340, "fluid or juice of an animal or plant," from Anglo-Norm. humour, from O.Fr. humor, from L. umor "body fluid" (also humor, by false assoc. with humus "earth"), related to umere "be wet, moist," and to uvescere "become wet." In ancient and medieval physiology, "any of the four body fluids" (blood, phlegm, choler, and melancholy or black bile) whose relative proportions were thought to determine state of mind. This led to a sense of "mood, temporary state of mind" (first recorded 1525); the sense of "amusing quality, funniness" is first recorded 1682, probably via sense of "whim, caprice" (1565), which also produced the verb sense of "indulge," first attested 1588. "The pronunciation of the initial h is only of recent date, and is sometimes omitted ...." [OED] Humorous in the modern sense is first recorded 1705. For types of humor, see the useful table below, from H.W. Fowler ["Modern English Usage," 1926]. - etymonline.com
Comedy: late 14c., from O.Fr. comedie, from L. comoedia, from Gk. komoidia "a comedy, amusing spectacle," from komodios "singer in the revels," from komos "revel, carousal" + oidos "singer, poet," from aeidein "to sing." The classical sense is similar to the modern one, but in the Middle Ages the word came to mean poems and stories generally (albeit ones with happy endings), and the earliest Eng. sense is "narrative poem" (cf. Dante's "Commedia"). Comedy aims at entertaining by the fidelity with which it presents life as we know it; farce at raising laughter by the outrageous absurdity of the situation or characters exhibited; extravaganza at diverting by its fantastic nature; burlesque at tickling the fancy of the audience by caricaturing plays or actors with whose style it is familiar. Generalized sense of "quality of being amusing" dates from 1877. - etymonline.com
Comedian did not originally mean humorous entertainer, joker or prankster, but comic poet. One who could raise laughter and make light with poetic narrative.
Comedian: 1580s, "comic poet," later (c.1600) "stage actor in comedies," also, generally, "actor," from Fr. comédien, from L. *comoedianos, from comoedia (see comedy). Meaning "professional joke-teller, etc." is from 1898. - etymonline.com
While trying to spread cheer or hilarity we use some very telling terminology. We tell others to lighten' up when we wish to lighten' mood and we make light-hearted remarkes to make light of situations.
Light (adj.): "not heavy," from O.E. leoht, from P.Gmc. *lingkhtaz (cf. O.N. lettr, Swed. lätt, O.Fris., M.Du. licht, Ger. leicht, Goth. leihts), from PIE base *le(n)gwh- "light, easy, agile, nimble" (cf. L. levis "light;" see lever). The notion in make light of (1526) is of "unimportance." Alternative spelling lite, the darling of advertisers, is first recorded 1962. Light-fingered "thievish" is from 1547; light-headed "dizzy" is from 1537; light-hearted "cheerful" is from c.1400. Light-weight is 1773 in pugilism and horse-racing; figurative sense of "inconsequential" first attested 1809. Light-skirts "woman of easy virtue" is attested from 1597. - etymonline.com
Light (v.): "touch down," from O.E. lihtan "to alight," from P.Gmc. *linkhtijan, lit. "to make light," from *lingkhtaz "not heavy" (see light (adj.)). Apparently the ground sense is "to dismount a horse, etc., and thus relieve it of one's weight." To light out "leave hastily" is 1870, from a nautical meaning "move out, move heavy objects," of unknown origin but perhaps belonging to this word. - etymonline.com
Light (n.): "brightness," O.E. leht, earlier leoht, from W.Gmc. *leukhtam (cf. O.Fris. liacht, M.Du. lucht, Ger. Licht), from PIE *leuk- "light, brightness" (cf. Skt. rocate "shines;" Arm. lois "light," lusin "moon;" Gk. leukos "bright, shining, white;" L. lucere "to shine," lux "light," lucidus "clear;" O.C.S. luci "light;" Lith. laukas "pale;" Welsh llug "gleam, glimmer;" O.Ir. loche "lightning," luchair "brightness;" Hittite lukezi "is bright"). The -gh- was an Anglo-Fr. scribal attempt to render the O.E. hard -h- sound, which has since disappeared. The fig. spiritual sense was in O.E.; the sense of "mental illumination" is first recorded c.1449. Meaning "something used for igniting" is from 1684. Lighthouse is from 1622; light bulb is from 1884. The verb is from O.E. lyhtan (cf. O.S. liohtian, Ger. leuchten, Goth. liuhtjan). - etymonline.com
"One of the functions of humor is to help all of us take ourselves less seriously. Humor is the divine antidote for exaltation of ego." - The Urantia Papers
Originally, to have good humor did not mean to joke often or often laugh at other's jokes, but basically meant to be in a state of cheerfulness.Hilarity: 1440, from L. hilaritas (gen. hilaritatis) "cheerfulness, gaiety," from hilaris "cheerful, gay," from Gk. hilaros, related to hilaos "graceful, kindly." In ancient Rome, Hilaria (neut. pl. of hilaris) were a class of holidays, times of pomp and rejoicing; there were public ones in honor of Cybele at the spring equinoxes as well as private ones on the day of a marriage or a son's birth. - etymonline.com
Humor: 1340, "fluid or juice of an animal or plant," from Anglo-Norm. humour, from O.Fr. humor, from L. umor "body fluid" (also humor, by false assoc. with humus "earth"), related to umere "be wet, moist," and to uvescere "become wet." In ancient and medieval physiology, "any of the four body fluids" (blood, phlegm, choler, and melancholy or black bile) whose relative proportions were thought to determine state of mind. This led to a sense of "mood, temporary state of mind" (first recorded 1525); the sense of "amusing quality, funniness" is first recorded 1682, probably via sense of "whim, caprice" (1565), which also produced the verb sense of "indulge," first attested 1588. "The pronunciation of the initial h is only of recent date, and is sometimes omitted ...." [OED] Humorous in the modern sense is first recorded 1705. For types of humor, see the useful table below, from H.W. Fowler ["Modern English Usage," 1926]. - etymonline.com
Comedy: late 14c., from O.Fr. comedie, from L. comoedia, from Gk. komoidia "a comedy, amusing spectacle," from komodios "singer in the revels," from komos "revel, carousal" + oidos "singer, poet," from aeidein "to sing." The classical sense is similar to the modern one, but in the Middle Ages the word came to mean poems and stories generally (albeit ones with happy endings), and the earliest Eng. sense is "narrative poem" (cf. Dante's "Commedia"). Comedy aims at entertaining by the fidelity with which it presents life as we know it; farce at raising laughter by the outrageous absurdity of the situation or characters exhibited; extravaganza at diverting by its fantastic nature; burlesque at tickling the fancy of the audience by caricaturing plays or actors with whose style it is familiar. Generalized sense of "quality of being amusing" dates from 1877. - etymonline.com
Comedian did not originally mean humorous entertainer, joker or prankster, but comic poet. One who could raise laughter and make light with poetic narrative.
Comedian: 1580s, "comic poet," later (c.1600) "stage actor in comedies," also, generally, "actor," from Fr. comédien, from L. *comoedianos, from comoedia (see comedy). Meaning "professional joke-teller, etc." is from 1898. - etymonline.com
While trying to spread cheer or hilarity we use some very telling terminology. We tell others to lighten' up when we wish to lighten' mood and we make light-hearted remarkes to make light of situations.
Light (adj.): "not heavy," from O.E. leoht, from P.Gmc. *lingkhtaz (cf. O.N. lettr, Swed. lätt, O.Fris., M.Du. licht, Ger. leicht, Goth. leihts), from PIE base *le(n)gwh- "light, easy, agile, nimble" (cf. L. levis "light;" see lever). The notion in make light of (1526) is of "unimportance." Alternative spelling lite, the darling of advertisers, is first recorded 1962. Light-fingered "thievish" is from 1547; light-headed "dizzy" is from 1537; light-hearted "cheerful" is from c.1400. Light-weight is 1773 in pugilism and horse-racing; figurative sense of "inconsequential" first attested 1809. Light-skirts "woman of easy virtue" is attested from 1597. - etymonline.com
Light (v.): "touch down," from O.E. lihtan "to alight," from P.Gmc. *linkhtijan, lit. "to make light," from *lingkhtaz "not heavy" (see light (adj.)). Apparently the ground sense is "to dismount a horse, etc., and thus relieve it of one's weight." To light out "leave hastily" is 1870, from a nautical meaning "move out, move heavy objects," of unknown origin but perhaps belonging to this word. - etymonline.com
Light (n.): "brightness," O.E. leht, earlier leoht, from W.Gmc. *leukhtam (cf. O.Fris. liacht, M.Du. lucht, Ger. Licht), from PIE *leuk- "light, brightness" (cf. Skt. rocate "shines;" Arm. lois "light," lusin "moon;" Gk. leukos "bright, shining, white;" L. lucere "to shine," lux "light," lucidus "clear;" O.C.S. luci "light;" Lith. laukas "pale;" Welsh llug "gleam, glimmer;" O.Ir. loche "lightning," luchair "brightness;" Hittite lukezi "is bright"). The -gh- was an Anglo-Fr. scribal attempt to render the O.E. hard -h- sound, which has since disappeared. The fig. spiritual sense was in O.E.; the sense of "mental illumination" is first recorded c.1449. Meaning "something used for igniting" is from 1684. Lighthouse is from 1622; light bulb is from 1884. The verb is from O.E. lyhtan (cf. O.S. liohtian, Ger. leuchten, Goth. liuhtjan). - etymonline.com
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