Steven Wright Jokes

What a nice night for an evening.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.  

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

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